There are many of us that display repeatable patterns in our life.
If you are someone who has not figured out your programing that developed in childhood, you may be questioning why interactions with people who try to love you, always ends poorly.
Insecure attachment to other people is one of your big clues that you have some unpacking to do within your core beliefs and investigate your core wounds.
This comes up a lot for people with a fearful avoidant attachment style.
The basic programing of a fearfully avoidant person is that intimacy is scary because physical and emotional security were not given to you by the parent you needed it from the most in childhood.
Typically, the most severe cases of fearful avoidant people end up that way in the scenario where a male child has a mother he couldn’t depend on and in contrast, women have the more severe cases of this attachment style when their father was avoidant, unreliable, or simply not even present.
The core wounding that occurs is that the child grows into adulthood believing that the only one who could heal them and show them how to love is the parent who cannot give them the love they needed as a child, making them unlikely to be able to give you love in adulthood unless the parent works on their own attachment insecurities. You see the cycle.
What will happen is anytime anyone gets close to a person who has a fearful attachment style is that they will get pushed away because true intimacy and true love are not safe feelings for the fearful avoidant because they live in a subconscious fear that everyone will leave them anyway so why rush the heartbreak?
The answer to this imbalanced desire for closeness yet fear of closeness of course is to heal the fearful avoidant, which will come directly from the fearful avoidant slowly learning patience with their fear and deciding not to run but to let someone else sooth them. This healing can only happen with the presence of the persistent unconditional love someone else genuinely has available to them.
Once the fearful avoidant can understand that someone else has the capacity to show them true “no strings attached love”, they can begin to heal the wounds they obtained from their parent.
This is the process of learning about what true love is. It will feel new and scary and different rather than wonderful, and exciting to the fearful avoidant but it will likely also feel like something they want.
It is a common myth that fearfully avoidant people cannot heal while in a relationship. They can. The trick is in them not running away from their own emotions in the process.
If you are someone who cares for a fearful avoidant it can be hard to handle being pushed away in the relationship (friendship or partnership) will end because the fearful avoidant is notorious for emotionally hurting the people that really do care about them by pushing them away and leaving them feeling unwanted.
This is sad all around because as we all know finding people who are willing to suffer by your side as you truly heal, is rare. Even more sad is the fact that the fearful avoidant may push someone away that at their core, they want and need.
Often the fearful avoidant will panic when they start to feel deeper feelings than they typically like to entertain. This should be expected and not taken personally, but it is usually painful on the receiving end either way.
Once the panic at the feeling of closeness happens, the fearful avoidant will come up with excuses why they don’t need a partner or they do not like to have a lot of friends. This is a defense mechanism to simply end their current uncomfortable feelings of getting too close to another person because the risk of abandonment is always alive in the subconscious.
People with these attachment styles do not get a lot of empathy, partly because it feels uncomfortable for them to receive, but more so because they can come off as arrogant and unfeeling.
Trust me when I say that is not the case at all.
These are people who were fundamentally let down by someone they needed and deserved to have protect them, and it shattered the idea that there can ever be safety in relationships with other people.
And so… until the fearfully attached person does core inner child work they will continue to attract superficial scenarios that are ego drive rather than fulfilling the core need of having supportive people they allow to love them.
The good news is that fearfully attached people can become more secure by letting people help them self-sooth and refrain from their impulse to shut down. It will take time. It will take patience… but the right people will have all of that for you.